Personal Essay

Lauren Kinghorn

Word Count: 901

“What?!...What did you just say?”

My cheeks were burning red, as I took a big drawn out swig of my sweet over-priced cocktail, nearly finishing the drink in one gulp. I was trying to process in my own head the words that had just left my mouth. I would never say that; that wasn’t in my life plan, and yet I had just casually said it in conversation.

“Lauren, seriously? Even a year ago, those would be the last words I imagined you ever saying.” Wilson stares at me across the tiny bar table, beer still midway to her mouth, stuck where it had been when I said that sentence. Much like she was stuck on the words herself.

It was one of those moments where you pause and think, "how the hell did I get here?"

I had another one of those moments yesterday. I was working on a project for my Marketing class. 

A group project.

My group consists of two first year students, one of which has never done group work before and another who barely speaks English, let alone can write in it. 

Awesome.

I spent my entire day rewriting the project. At 10:30pm I poured myself a glass of wine, plunked back down in front of my computer and stared at all the things I still had left to do. 

What the hell am I doing in University?

In my teens I knew I didn't have it all figured out, but I thought at the very least I had an idea of where my life was going. I think we all do; we all plan and think we know where we will end up. Or at the very least we think that by the time we reach twenty-five we'll have it figured out and be on track.

But then all of a sudden you hear words coming out of your mouth that you never imagined would, or realize you are doing something you never thought you would and all you can think is “wait a sec….when did that change? When did I change?”

For me, I knew I wasn’t ready for University right after high school. So I went travelling.

And so it begins.

Life plan number 1: Travel through New Zealand and Australia for nine months after graduating high school, and come home in time to apply to University in the fall. I’d only be a year behind my friends but hopefully would have a better idea of what I wanted to take in school.

What really happened: Got to New Zealand, made friends, found a job, and stayed for two and a half years. Never did make it to Australia.

Life plan number 2: Work in New Zealand, stay for at least another year (at this point I had already been there for two and a half years). My work visa got denied, and so I moved home, found two jobs and planned to save up to go back to New Zealand.

What really happened: …I applied to University.

Life plan number 3: Take Public Relations in University, but get a job as a personal assistant, and travel again.

What really happened: I realized not only did I enjoy Public Relations work, but I was fairly good at it, and decided not to be a personal assistant.

Having started University at the age that most other people my age are graduating, I continually feel segregated and like I just don’t fit. I always get flashes of the movie Mean Girls, and how everyone finds their clique, yet I keep looking around thinking that I don’t fit in anywhere. This has led to many “what the hell am I doing here?” moments over the past four years and in this time many things I have said and planned have completely changed.

Me- “I’ll never work in government”

Reality- All three of my school placements have been in government.

Me- “I don’t understand those people who stop drinking and going out, I’ll never stop.”

Reality –I occasionally drink, but am much happier to stay at home.

Me- “I can’t imagine buying a house; I’ll be too busy travelling to settle down.”

Reality- I have looked at housing options and have plans to buy one, once I find a job.

Me- “I think I’ll be single forever and am really happy about that idea.”

Reality- I met my boyfriend a week after saying this.

Me- “I’m not the marrying type and I don’t want my own kids, I just want to be the fun Aunt.”

Reality- I want to be a mom, but want to be married before becoming one.

I am never sure when these changes happened or how I ended up exactly where I am now. I know my life plans looked nothing like this when I started making them. I know I will continue to question why I am twenty-five and doing group work with eighteen year-olds. But I think that life makes its own plans to help us get to where we need to be. As difficult as life can be I believe where I've been and what I've done so far has led me to exactly where I need to be and I am exactly where I need to be, sitting in the bar with a good friend, drink in hand, confident in what my life plan is now…or so I think.